miércoles, noviembre 08, 2006

The only theme

It seems like this week there's no other topic. We're visiting the baby, the little girl, THE niece. And you can't think of any other thing. Sure enough, she's the new toy. And she's sooo small... it seems incredible that such a small thing can breathe, move and do anything by itself. But it is so, she moves, feeds and sleeps... she does work. I've only been here a few days, but it's almost like I've been here a lot longer cause the baby changes everyday. Now she's rosier, plumpier, she opens her eyes more often, she puts her hands in her mouth... I don't know, I know it's silly, they may not even be considered as progress, but it is true that everything changes, you start watching the world from the discovery point of view again.
I've always liked kids and I don't manage them badly, but something weird is happening to me with this little girl. Somehow, my maternal instinct is fading away. I like holding her, kissing her, speaking to her in English and watching how she pays attention to my voice, but I'm not willing to have one of my own. I don't feel capable of having a baby and having to take care of it all the time. Now that I'm with my niece the whole day, just thinking about having a baby of my own just makes me feel sick to my stomach, and it makes me feel a strange and deep fear... what would I do with such a tiny thing? And that's the other thing. When I got here and saw my newborn niece, I realized how afraid I am of little babies. They're too small, too fragile, too dependant. Maybe that's what makes other people wanting them, the feeling of dependance, that you have to take care of them, but that's what I find most difficult to deal with.
I know. I'm weird.

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