viernes, diciembre 01, 2006


Things change. Times change and I admit I'm going through a kind of a confused time.
On the one hand, I can't say things are going bad for me. But I've gotten to the point I can no longer be satisfied with what I have. Opportunities rise that I don't know if I'm gonna be able to use, but the worse of all is that I don't know if I should. A part of me wants to do it, but the other feels I'd have to let go of everything I've been doing till now. That, at least, is a little scary. Besides, I don't know if I want to do it. And there's still another dilema. I don't even know if I liked that other thing as much as I imagine or if it fulfilled me as much as what I do now does. In theory, I could do both things, but I know myself. What if I don't manage to get to an agreement? I truly don't know how 'regular' people does it. It seems as if they didn't have a problem facing those little things that make up daily life. I, lots of times, find myself totally unable. And it's not because I don't know how, but because it doesn't come naturally to me. I try, I make myself, but I'm not that way. I am a solitary dog by nature, and for me it takes a lot of effort to do all that politics and diplomacy that relationships need. However, when I work for the public is different. I don't know how to explain it, but it's different.
I know, I'm digressing, but that's how my head is right now. It's a huge mess. On the one hand, my head is full of ideas, initiatives, hopes. But on the other hand, my strength is wearing thin. I'd like to get off this ferris wheel, if only for a little while, just to rest, make up my mind, and take on everything with renewed energy. But it's not possible. When you grow up, you get on the kind of ferris wheel you can't get off of. When you are between childhood and adulthood, sometimes you're allowed to get off on the condition of getting back on at once, but now that is not possible. And maybe that's what's sucking out my energy, the giant effort of repressing my will to get off.
Sometimes things look more complicated than what they really are, my friends, or maybe it's us who make 'em so complicated. I don't want to do it, but it's as if I couldn't do it any other way.
Now I just want to sleep.

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